textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
