Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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