I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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