thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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