there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
