dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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