mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
3pm strippers are depressing
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
