____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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