you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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