I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
