and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
