I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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