you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
