george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
