She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
