I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
