My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
