I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
