apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
