the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
