and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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