The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
