I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
