i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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