I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She announced her abortion via fbk
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
