i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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