I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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