Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
