i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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