I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
