this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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