Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
