A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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