So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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