my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
