I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
