i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Randomize
