I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
