is your mom at the bar?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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