She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize