I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
whose parrot is this?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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