Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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