1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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