put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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