Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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