At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
