I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
