Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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