I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
