All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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